Sally: The story of my life?
Harry: We got 18 hours to kill before we hit New York.
Sally: The story of my life isn't even gonna get us out of Chicago; I mean, nothing's happened to me yet. That's why I'm going to New York.
Harry: So something will happen to you?
Sally: Yes.
Harry: Like what?
Sally: Like I'm going to journalism school to become a reporter.
Harry: So you can write about things that happen to other people.
Sally: That's one way to look at it.
Harry: Suppose nothing happens to you. Suppose you live there your whole life and nothing happens; you never meet anybody, you never become anything, and finally you die one of those New York deaths where nobody notices for 2 weeks until the smell drifts into the hallway.
Sally: Amanda mentioned you had a dark side.Harry: That's what drew her to me.
Sally: Your dark side?
Harry: Sure. Why, don't you have a dark side? You know, you're probably one of those cheerful people who dots their "i's" with little hearts.
Sally: I have just as much of dark as the next person.
Harry: Oh really? When I buy a new book, I read the last page first. That way in case I die before I finish, I know how it ends. That, my friend, is a dark side.
Harry: The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe that (a) you're not home, (b)you're home but you don't want to talk to me, or (c) you're home, desperately want to talk to me, but are trapped under something heavy. If it's either (a) or (c), please give me a call.
Harry: Now Sheldon can do your income taxes. If you need a root canal, Sheldon's your man. But humpin' and pumpin' is not Sheldon's strong suit. It's the name: "Do it to me *Sheldon*", "You're an animal *Sheldon*", "Ride me big *Shel-don*." Doesn't work.
Harry: Can't a man say a woman's attractive without it being a come-on? Alright, alright, let's just say, just for the sake of argument, that it was a come-on; what do you want me to do about it? I take it back, okay, I take it back.
Sally: You can't take it back.
Harry: Why not?
Sally: It's *already* out there!
Harry: Oh geez, what are we supposed to do? Call the cops. It's already out there.
Sally: *Just* let it lie, *okay*?
Harry: Great! Let it lie, that's my policy. That's what I always say, "Let it lie." Wanna spend the night in a motel? See what I did? I didn't let it lie.
Sally: Harry.
Harry: I said I would and then I didn't.
Sally: Harry.
Harry: I went the other way.
Sally: Harry!
Harry: What?
Sally: We are just going to be friends, okay?
Harry: Great, friends. It's the best thing. You realize of course that we could never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I'm saying - and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form - is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That's not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: No you don't.
Sally: Yes I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not!
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not!
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you're saying a man *can* be friends with a woman he finds unattractive?
Harry: No, you pretty much wanna nail them, too.
Sally: What if they don't wanna have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn't matter, because the sex part is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story.
Harry: You were a good friend of, umm...Sally: Amanda's! I can't believe you can't remember her name.
Harry: What do you mean? I can remember - Amanda, right? Amanda Rice.
Sally: Reese.
Harry: Reese, right, that's what I said. Whatever happened to her?
Sally: I have no idea.
Harry: You have no idea? You were really good friends with her. We didn't make it because you were such good friends.
Sally: You went with her!
Harry: And was it worth it? The sacrifice for a friend you don't even keep in touch with?
Sally: Harry, you may not believe this, but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice.
Harry: Fair enough, fair enough.
Sally: It's amazing, you look like a normal person, but actually you are the angel of death.
Harry: I'm getting married.
Sally: You *are*? *You* are? Who *is* she?
Harry: The minute you're finished, you know what goes through your mind? "How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can get up and go home? Is 30 seconds enough?"
Sally: That's what you're thinking?
Harry: Sure, all men think that. How long do you like to be held? All night, right? See, there's the problem, somewhere between 30 seconds and all night is your problem.
Sally: I don't have a problem.
Harry: Yeah you do.
Marie: <to Sally> I don't happen to find him attractive, but you might. <aside to Alice> She doesn't have a problem with chins.
Harry: Where was I?
Jess: You were growing.
Marie: Okay, but don't wait too long. Remember what happened with David Warsaw? His wife left him and everyone said give him some time, don't move in too fast...6 months later, he was dead.
Sally: What are you saying? I should get married to someone right away in case he's about to die?
Alice: At least you could say you were married.
Marie: I'm saying that the right man for you might be out there right now, and if you don't grab him, someone else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that someone else is married to your husband.
Jess: You're saying Mr. Zero knew you were getting a divorce a week before you did?
Harry: Mr. Zero knew.
Harry: I haven't told you the bad part.
Jess: What could be worse than Mr. Zero knowing?
Marie: <to Sally> Someone is staring at you in Personal Growth.
Sally: I'd like the chef salad, please, with the oil and vinegar on the side and the apple pie a la mode.
Waitress: Chef and aaapple a la mooooode.
Sally: But I'd like the pie heated, and I don't want the ice cream on top, I want it on the side, and I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla, if you have it, if not, then no ice cream, just whipped cream, but only if it's real, if it's out of a can, then nothing.
Waitress: Not even the pie?
Sally: No, just the pie, but then not heated.
Waitress: Uh-huh.
Harry: So how come you broke up with Sheldon?
Sally: How do you know we broke up?
Harry: Because if you didn't break up, you wouldn't be here with me, you'd be off with Sheldon, the Wonder Schlong.
Sally: First of all, I am not *with* you, and second of all, it is none of your business why we broke up.
Harry: You're right, you're right. I don't wanna know.
Sally: Well if you must know, it was because he was very jealous and I had these days-of-the-week underpants.
Harry: Aaaaaahhnnn. I'm sorry, I need a judge's ruling on this. Days-of-the-week underpants?
Sally: Yes, they had the days of the week on them, and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It's all suspicious. Where was Sunday, where had I left Sunday? And I told him and he didn't believe me.
Harry: What?
Sally: They don't make Sunday.
Harry: Why not?
Sally: Because of God.
Jess: It's a monkey, it's a monkey...monkey see, monkey do!
Alice: It's a baby!
Jess: Planet of the Apes!
Harry: Planet of the Apes?! She just said it's a baby, how 'bout Planet of the Dopes.
Jess: It doesn't look like a baby.
Harry: Got a big mouth...Mick Jagger is a baby!
Jess: Baby ape, baby ape!
Harry: Stop with the apes, would ya' please?
Alice: Baby's breathe.
Harry: Baby...Rosemary's baby...'s mouth. Won't you come home Bill Baby.
Alice: Baby...kiss the baby!
Harry: Melancholy baby's mouth.
Jess: Baby fish mouth...baby fish mouth!
Harry: Ethel Merman.
Jess: Baby fish mouth!
<everyone stops and stares at Jess, long pause>
Harry: A big baby mouth.
Alice: Baby boom.
Harry: Baby...
Jess: Draw *something* resembling *anything*.
Alice: Baby...crying baby, kiss the baby.
Harry: Baby...baby spitting up, exorcist baby!
Alice: Yes sir, that's my baby!
Harry: No sir, don't mean maybe!
Julian: That's it! Times up.
Sally: Baby Talk!
Jess: Baby talk? What's that? That's not a saying.
Harry: Oh, but "baby fish mouth" is sweeping the nation - I hear them talking.
Marie: I've never quoted anything from a magazine before in my life. That's amazing - don't you think that's amazing? And you wrote it?
Jess: I also wrote "Pesto is the Quiche of the 80's."
Marie: Get over yourself!