Quotes
Here are some of the most damn funny things I've ever heard them say...There just aren't enough hours in the day.
Homer: God bless those pagans.Marge: Kids can be so cruel.
Bart: They can? Thanks Mom! [sound of Bart's footsteps as he runs down hallway]
Lisa: Owwww! Bart, cut it out!
Officer Eddie: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.
Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away.
Officer Eddie: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney!
Chief Wiggum: [gets out of the car] I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.
Officer Eddie: [into radio] We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.
Bart: Take 'im away, boys.
Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm the chief here - bake 'im away, toys.
Cop: Wha'd you say, Chief?
Chief Wiggum: Do what the kid says.
Marge: I guess if he makes her happy, that's all that matters.
Homer: That's right, money, your money's happiness is all that monies.
Bart: You're going down, Homer.
Homer: You talk bigger than fool.
Bart: I'm gonna fool you up real nice.
Homer: You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had a electrified fooling machine.
Lionel Hutz: Uh oh, we drew Judge Schneider.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.
Marge: Really?!
Lionel Hutz: Well, replace the word kinda with the word repeatedly and the word dog with son.
Troy McClure: Hi, I'm actor Troy McClure. You may remember me from such driver's ed films as "Alice's Adventures Through the Windshield Glass" and "The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot."
Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as "Lead Paint, Delicious But Deadly" and "Here Comes the Metric System." My job today is to inform you about sex in a straightforward and serious manner. Now, here's "Fuzzy Bunny's Guide to You-Know-What."
Marge: You look...nice.
Ruth Powers: Tonight's got nothin' to do with nice. Tonight's all about...[inserts tape]
Tape: "Sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows, every..."
Ruth Powers: [ejects tape] Oh, sorry Marge, wrong tape.
Chief Wiggum: Dispatch, this is Chief Wiggum, back in pursuit of the rebelling women.
Dispatcher: Alright, your car location?
Chief Wiggum: Uuoohhh uh, I'm uh, I'm on a road, uh, looks to be asphalt...umm, aww geez...trees, shrubs...uh, I'm directly under the Earth's sun... nnnow.
Troy McClure: Oh hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Confident, Stupid."
Brad Goodman: Troy, this circle is you.Troy McClure: My god, it's like you've known me my whole life.
Brad Goodman: Be like the boy.
Crowd: [chanting] Be like boy, be like boy!
Brad Goodman: Just the ladies
Ladies: Be like boy, be like boy!
Brad Goodman: Now, just the seniors in the back.
Seniors: We like Roy, we like Roy!
Bart: Grandpa, Matlock's not real.
Grandpa Simpson: Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!!!
Homer: [thinking] I can't believe my wife cost me a million dollars.
Marge: Homer, would you like some more macaroni and cheese.
Homer: [thinking] Yeah, a million dollars worth, you treacherous snake-woman. [aloud] No thanks.
Milhouse: I checked around. The girls are calling you fatty fat fat fat and Nelson's planning to pull down your pants, but nobody's tryin' to kill ya.
Lawyer: What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say, "Die Bart, Die?"
Sideshow Bob: No, that's German for, "The Bart, The."
Parole Board Member: No one who speaks German could be an evil man.
Ned Flanders: May the best man win.
Homer: "May the best man win," the mating call of the looooser.
[sound of Bart using the drill in the garage]
Marge: Oh, who's using the power tools?
Homer: I don't know, it's some guy, I guess.
Homer: What's the quickest, easiest, cheapest way to do something with you?
Lisa: Uhh, take us to the video store?
Homer: Anything for my little girl.
Bart: Dad, I love you, but you taught me to win.
Homer: How did I ever teach you that?
Bart: Well, I picked it up somewhere.
Homer: Hey, wait a minute. Just because I'm wearing a pink shirt, it doesn't mean I'm some kind of a...pink donut eater.
Bart: Once you hit the big one-o, it's all downhill from there. You're legs start to go...candy doesn't taste as good anymore.
Homer: Lenny and Carl are never around on Wednesday, and they never tell me where they are going. It's like a conspiracy or something.
Bart: A conspiracy, eh? Do you think they were involved in the Kennedy assassination in some way.
Homer: I doooo...now.
Homer: I've always wondered if there was a god, and now I know - there is, and it's me.
Marge: You're not a god Homer.
Lisa: Remember dad, all glory is fleeting.
Homer: So.
Lisa: Beware the Ides of March.
Homer: No.
Michael Jackson: Bart, your father needs you. You don't want him to get a labotomy do you?
Bart: Well, there's probably a downside I don't see.
Homer: Mmmmmm, crumbled up cookie things...
Lisa: Boy, mom sure will be happy you won fifty bucks
Homer: You'd think that, wouldn't you? But you see, Lisa, your mom has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong, even though they say it's okay in the bible.
Lisa: Can I watch football again with you next Sunday.
Homer: Sure! You'll find that it gets rid of the unpleasant aftertaste of church.
Homer: If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Bart: Well dad, here's my report card! I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
Homer: "A+"?! You don't think much of me, do you boy?
Bart: No sir!
Homer: A "D" turns into a "B" so easily; you just got greedy.
Bart: Don't we get to roast marshmallows?
Kearney: Shut up and eat your pinecone!
Lisa: Are you sure that's safe?
Kearney: Well it ain't gettin' any safer!
Bart: So down there in, say, Argentina or Rand McNally, all their water runs backwards?
Lisa: Uh-huh. In fact, in Rand McNally they wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people.
Lisa: You're serving us gruel?
Jimbo: Not quite. This is Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of 10 orphans can't tell the difference.
Lisa: I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart
Bart: We're all gonna die, Lis.
Lisa: I meant soon.
Bart: So did I.
Marge: And don't take candy from strangers.
Homer: Marge, they're only human.
Homer: So I said, "Look buddy, your car was upside down when we got here, and as for your grandmother, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that."
Homer: People can come up with statistics to prove anything, 14% of all people know that.
Homer: Hey, there's a *New* Mexico.
Homer: How was *jerk* practice, boy? Did they teach you how to sing to trees and build crappy furniture out of useless wooden logs? [chair breaks] D'oh! Stupid poetic justice!
Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals...except the weasel.
Bart's Suggestions for the Lisa Lionheart Doll:
Blabbermouth, the Jerky Doll for Jerks
Wendy Windbag
Lisa Loudmouth
Hortense the Mule-Faced Doll
Stupid Lisa Garbage Face
Homer: Mmmmmm, the last peanut, overflowing with the oil
and salt of its departed brothers.Homer: Ohhhhh, 20 dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer's Brain: 20 dollars can buy many peanuts.
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.
Homer: Woohoo!
Bart: So when I took the test, the answers were stuck in my brain. It was like a whole different kind of cheating.
Chief Wiggum: You know us cops all get shot three days before retirement. It's what we call retirony.
Financial Planner: What if you don't get shot?
Chief Wiggum: What a terrible thing to say! Now look what you did! You made my wife cry!
Mr. Burns: Whoa! Slow down there maestro. There's a *New* Mexico?
Mr. Burns: What is this? Some kind of force field around these vegetables.
Homer: That's the sneeze guard. You have to lean under it to get salad or sneeze on stuff.
Mr. Burns: Hurl this at that.
Homer: At Lenny? But he's a war hero!
Mr. Burns: Let's decorate him then!
Lenny: Oowwwhh! My eye! I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!
Mr. Burns: You're so much more fun than Smithers. Why, he doesn't know the meaning of the word gay.
Lisa: Dad, I think you're overreacting.
Homer: I think you're underreacting.
Lisa: This discussion is over.
Homer: This discussion is under.
Lisa: Goodbye!
Homer: Badbye!
Bart: Dear Lisa, Psyche psyche psyche. Signed, Super Psyche
Links
- The Official Fox Site - This site isn't as great as some of the unofficial sites, but it does have guest star info, including descriptions of the episodes each starred in.
- Matt Hedges' Simpsons Site - This site has Simpsons games, an episodes list, animated cursors, sounds, links, Simpsons want ads, Simpons VRML, movies, and pictures, including windows wallpaper and backgrounds and the 3-D Homer pictures.
- The Simpsons Emporium - Has a family tree, evolution, trivia, pics, sounds, a puzzle, awards, a summary of the X-Files episode, the blackboard quotes, instructions on how to draw the Simpsons, live chat, profiles, and links.